In my practice I often notice clients dismissing or minimizing their own feelings. It is a pattern of behaviour that, typically, they don't even recognize until I draw their attention to it. When one person in a relationship regularly dismisses or minimizes the other person's feelings, we would recognize this as emotional abuse. And yet, many of us inflict this same abuse on ourselves almost daily.
It is important for us to get into the habit of validating our own thoughts and feelings, or we risk seeking validation from outside sources. Your feelings matter. Dr. Sharon Martin (2021), a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, states that emotions “serve an important purpose and shouldn’t be ignored.” For example, feelings of anger, fear, and sadness tell us that something’s wrong. Martin (2021) makes the point that we don’t want to miss these crucial pieces of information because they help us to take care of ourselves and to make decisions that keep us safe.
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they are simply a reflection of our thoughts, experiences, and perceptions (Martin, 2021). If you are concerned that you might have a skewed perception, then that is absolutely worth exploring more. However, if you are simply thinking that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, or that feeling this way makes you weak, or if you think an experience is “fine” because, even though it caused you pain and distress, you survived it, or it’s “okay” because people have it worse – you are invalidating your own feelings.
The hard truth is that suppressed feelings still exist. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are really feeling, those feelings don’t dissipate – they actually grow and come out in unhealthy, sometimes destructive ways. It order for feeling to subside, they need to be processed; and in order to process them, feelings must be acknowledged and felt.
As well, it is imperative to remember that we teach people how to treat us - if we minimize our own thoughts and feelings, we are telling others that it is okay for them to do it too. And when we seek validation from outside sources, this can leave us vulnerable to manipulation.
The good news is that we can rewire our brains and assume new behaviours. This can begin by recognizing and interrupting yourself when you do minimize your own feelings. Immediately replace your dismissing thought with one that validates whatever you are feeling or expressing. Begin to practice stating your feeling/experience and nothing more – this strategy turns, “I feel really betrayed by what my friend did, but it’s fine,” into, “I feel really betrayed by what my friend did.” Nothing more is needed there.
Another strategy is to practice daily affirmations. During a particular time in my own life, I wrote small affirmations on little pieces of paper and stuck them up around my house. Simple things, such as I am valuable, my feeling matter, my experience is valid, and I am worthy. Dr. Sharon Martin (2021) shared this longer affirmation, which is available for purchase in print on her website:
”I respect and honor myself when I pay attention to and accept my feelings.
I will try to slow down and make time to notice how I feel. I know that my feelings matter and I will value the truth and wisdom they contain. Others may try to invalidate my experiences and feelings, but I will hold on to my truth.
I can hold on to my truth and also remain open to other people’s perspectives as long as there is mutual respect. I’m learning to distinguish between people who invalidate and disrespect me and those who are curious and interested but have different experiences and feelings than my own.
I can choose not to spend time with people who continue to invalidate my experiences and feelings. I will choose to surround myself with people who support my healing and growth, who push me to be a better person, and who leave me feeling better about myself — not worse.
I can validate my feelings by reminding myself that all feelings are acceptable and have a purpose; my feelings matter and they aren’t wrong.”
I encourage you to try a few strategies of affirmation and validation for yourself and find out what works. Whichever method you choose is valid.
References
Martin, S. (2021). Emotional invalidation: A form of emotional abuse. Retrieved from: https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/
Comments